ifuckinghateyou.com - your enemy's enemy is your friend.

posted March 15, 2007 4:10 PM PDT

Leo Stom the Lion Lion

JB and I went to visit Taud at Parralax Rehab today in Wichita. It was the most bizarre visit to anyone, anywhere, ever. I think so anyway, you can decide for yourself. My story may bore you but please loyal readers, trudge on, for the gift of humor is further ahead than usual.

Taud has gained 30 pounds. That may not sound fantastic in context, but believe me, its a very good thing. He had whittled himself down to 130 pounds. For a guy of his stature, that is a horrible thing. He looks so much better.

While we were outside enjoying a delicious nicotene filled, carcinogenic treat stick, a man approached us. I heard Taud snicker as he wandered near. As he came closer, staring at my bosoms out of his beady eyes, I felt an incredible sense of....creepiness wash over me.

He said "Hi! I'm Leon. I am here at Parralax with Taud. Have I ever told you the story of Leo Stomp the Lion Lion?" Before I continue, let me reiterate the fact that this guy is in rehab with Taud. I would assume by his appearance that the hands of King Dope still hold onto his coat tail very tightly as he makes his terrificly psychotropic journey through rehab.

Continuing on, I replied to him, "Hm. No." because I knew that I had never met this guy before and I had definately never heard of any such Leo Stomp the Lion Lion. And the dope head said, "Well, I used to spend alot of time 'alone'. When I was alone I used to get a little...'looney'. While I was 'looney' I found this stuffed lion who told me his name was Leo Stomp the Lion Lion. The back of his head was red and flat. He used to dance for me and he told me that his job was to go to chambers of commerce and schools in different towns lying to children."

At this point everyone around Leon was laughing so hard that I could barely pay attention to the story itself, it was so ridiculous and absurd that I couldn't even stand it. I wanted to plug my fucking ears. I thought he was just pulling some home spun stand-up act...but then I realized that he was very sincere and I got kinda scared that he'd be offended that we were all laughing at him. I thought he might pull out a machete.

Despite the laughter in the background, he continued on, "One day Leo Stomp the Lion Lion was about to talk to an auditorium full of children when he wandered out onto the stage. At this point he was a little drunk, because as we all know, Leo Stomp the Lion Lion has a drinking problem and did a little dope in his time. He stumbles out and says 'Suzy, what is...where the hell...the fuck...oh! I'm supposed to speak to these children. Hey kids. I'm tired of telling you lies. Life is run by the government. You all know me in the present as Leo Stomp the Lion Lion but you may know me previous as Smokey the Bear.' Much to my shagrin, he kept going to expose his true identity. 'I'm part of the Witness Protection Program, kids. Back in '89 they caught me sitting at the top of a Fir tree tossing lit matches out in every direction. But kids, you know damn well the government's mottos are Be kind Rewind and Only you can prevent forest fires. So they told me that if I'd keep my mouth shut and lie to you about forest fires that I could maintain the identity of Leo Stomp the Lion Lion. But I'm real sick of this job'. Thats what he told me."

As Leon finished his story of Leo Stomp the Lion Lion, I realized why I've never done any chemical substances. I now have a fear that  if I even go near dope, my brain will turn to tomato soup and flow freely out of my ears.

Leon went on to say that he'd blacked out for days at a time and at one point woke up on the roof of his neighbor's trailer. "The only way I knew I was on the roof was the TV antenna. I didn't know what the hell had happened. My brother-in-law was standing on the ground with a cigarette hanging from his mouth and he hollered up 'Leon what the fuck ya doin up there man?' and I said "Fixing the Tv antenna."" 

He went on to explain his theory of getting stoned. "When you get high, you raise up off the earth into space." He used his hands to describe his idea. "The earth keeps spinning on it axis below you, so naturally when you come down you are going to be in a different place. When you come down, you aren't gonna know where the hell you are." I was awestruck. I had to stop listening or I'd start to believe the fiend's psycho babble.

last updated March 15, 2007 4:14 PM PDT