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posted October 12, 2006 3:33 PM PDT

A Collection of Thoughts from my "private" Spiral Notebook

June 13:

Here I sit, indian style, my bare feet touching the warm sidewalk. I watch the grass drift in the wind like an ocean of beautiful greens. The field on the other side of the yard is blanketed with wheat, golden orange, ready to be harvested. The breeze blows across my bare knees and sends a shiver through my body.

As I relax and sit back against the porch, I realize the stars above me in the dark night sky are twinkling brighter than ever before. Its as if a powerful hand changed out the bulbs when they became too dim. This spectacular view leaves me in awe as I drown in a pool of deep thought. I'm rehearsing a play of my past in my mind with small alterations here and there. I'm gazing into a tunnel leading directly to my future, but it seems overcast. I'm wading through puddles of fairy tale romances, just barely immersing my feet. I wonder where I'm headed from here.

May 31:

I stand back and watch myself wilt without the feeling of touch. A valid touch starts with the sensation of skin to skin and extends deeper into the figurative feelings of my soul. A touch should never seem empty or pointless. An empty or pointless thought concludes lack of sincerity and life within. I've never known anything in human nature to be so extraordinary as touch alone.

It is amazing to me how much my life seems to lack when missing touch alone. Celibacy is fullfiling and in some way rejuvenating, but the touch alone is all I miss. A hug is an extraordinary way to communicate sincereity and generosity.  A hug can add completion to my day and make me feel at home.

May 27:

The wind outside is incredible. I sat for a while, contemplating life and its accessories, just to feel the wind against my skin. I was amazed by how much more animated nature is with the company of wind. Sometimes it seems impossible that it could be anymore animated than it already is. But I assure you, it is quite possible.

An uncomfortable feeling has engulfed me. The everyday, manageable stress I encounter has slowly morphed into a tidal wave of emotions.

As I toss and turn, I think about my past and my future. The events that are now my past came and went, leaving me where I am now with virtually nothing to show but broken heartedness, literal scars, and figurative pain. The dark cloud hovering above my head is terrifying and unrelentless. I don't know how to prepare myself for the things to come.  

With every breath I take, I feel my heart beating faster. There is a fantastic glowing light ahead of me, but I cannot quite reach it. A parade of unhappiness follows close behind and if I lag, it swallows me up momentarily.

As I drift into a peaceful sleep, the weight of the world gradually lifts from my shoulders, if only for a short while. The only time I'm carefree is in my dreams.

May 24:

This room is small. I feel like it kinda would like to close in on me. This bed seems feather light without you snoring next to me as I type. You're hair is stuck to my shirt.

My legs cramp up as I sit on them and I listen to good tunes. The music beckons my brain to follow along but I can't concentrate with out realizing I'm by myself for the night. One time you told me to untie the pain in my tummy like a knot with my mind.

I bet you're having beer and I bet you'll sing a birthday song. I bet you'll think of the SNL birthday song at some point, and then at another think of having a smoke with me.

Right this instant, I'm contemplating why exactly I'm still awake at 3:00 AM. I'm itchy because I shaved today. Hopefully tomorrow I can lay out and get some tan again. I'm under stress but a thought clearing blog is a slight cure to what ails me.

I wish an earthquake would come, but I'd be scared without you here. I just remembered that I brought my monster from home. He's in the back seat of my car. There is a brownie in the console. MM brownie.

May 19:

As I walked through the field, I held the world in one hand and happiness in the other. I clenched happiness with all my might as I seemed to release the world from my grasp. I was sure I had lost my mind.

The birds chirped frantically above my head as I reached a sweeping forest. I layed down to feel the grass against me. The smells were overwhelming and I smelled them one by one; the grass, the daisies, and the evergreen trees surrounding me. The sounds of nature flowed as one and it seemed as though it was speaking to me. I tried to hold my breath and concentrate.

Slowly, the sun began to go down in the sky and the moon got bigger as the night got longer. I didn't feel like I was alone, I was at home in the perpetual beauty of nature. The world surrounded me and protected me from all harm, nothing could ever come to hurt me.

As morning came, I realized that I had willed time to go by as quickly as it had. I enjoyed my night with nature. As harsh as it sounds, I awoke to the sounds of car horns blaring and loud obnoxious music thundering from speakers in t he streets below. This was my tuneless reality had come back to remind me where I was.

May 18:

Sometimes, quietness is comforting, but not silence.

Last night I was caught up in the unbearable silence of my dream. The views around me were spectacular, but I could not speak. I could mouth the words, but absolutley no sound would come out. I was trapped in a bubble of helplessness. The world of grandeur surrounded me and I suddenly became terrified. I tried to scream to no avail, noone could hear me.

Suddenly I looked down, and as I stared, I realized I was no longer at ground level. As I hailed to a crowd below me, I stood in the canopy of trees above a gathering. Clearly, they understood the silence I spoke of, because it was somehow a language here. As I mouthed inaudible words, I saw them become overwhelmed with joy and their emotions spoke through body. I closed my eyes and let my newfound fruition envelop me. I realized that my words were not what spoke to them, but my actions.

As I floated down from the trees onto a stream used for transportation, I heard some of the first sounds I'd heard for sometime next to the perpetual sounds of nature itself. At first I thought to myself, "These sounds are a seprate entity from the naked sounds of nature I have heard for the whole of my existence." Then later, I realized they were one. All sounds are one with nature; the nature of human existence. Silence is contrary to life itself, and in my opinion, almost macabre. I've always thought silence was a dreadful sound. Consequently, I was overjoyed at the musical sounds I found flowing into my ears.

Just when I thought that my soothing stream-ride would never end, we came upon a clearing in some trees where the stream flowed into one large pond. Around the pond, there sat a company of drummers, bell ringers, and other various noise makers. As I floated contently in the middle of the euphonious circle, I drifted into a deeper sleep and away from my incredible journey-like dream.

ok..that's probably enough for now.

last updated October 12, 2006 3:46 PM PDT