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posted June 13, 2008 7:37 AM PDT

when birds chirp

i hate it when the birds chirp.

update: i skipped sleep. i had breakfast. half chocolate half regular waffles smothered in butter and syrup with a glass of water. i apologize for being uninteresting. un interesting. i don't know if that's the correct term. i don't know a lot of words. i heard an owl this morning and i watched the sky get lighter and lighter. around 530 am the birds started chirping. i've never enjoyed the sound of birds. in fact, i don't enjoy birds at all. they are filthy and distrusting creatures. even the ones that we nurture don't trust us. i can't have a relationship with an animal that won't trust me. the birds have stopped chirping. the owl was the last one to make a sound. although an owl is a bird, i don't hate it. it's been and hour since the birds started chirping. i can't remember when they stopped, but i'm glad they did. i've been all over the place lately, can you tell? the funny thing is, i've never been so sober in my life. 3 years it's been since my dad last drank. i would consider that an accomplishment but i can't help but feel that anxiety and anticipate his next relapse. i sort of am waiting for it to happen. Don't get me wrong, i don't want it to happen, i'm just use to the routine. i hope that it doesn't. i am listening intently for the birds. there. i heard it. just one big one followed by a smaller one. i bet they are staring at the back of my head as i type this. my back is turned to the big window we have in the kitchen. i wish my mom did not cover up that window. i like it when it's open. i can see the empty lot in front of my house. we have a hobby horse, you know? it's right in the front of the house under the guava tree. i considered my house a private park when i was a kid because that hobby horse. growing up my mother's biggest pet peeve was coming home with sand in our shoes. it's the reason why we'd only go to the park when my parents fought. my dad would take us just to piss her off. now and then when i go to the beach. i make sure to sprinkle some sand on the couch or on her bed. it drives her insane. i don't like sand too much myself. i don't like the smell and and i don't like having it linger for days, weeks, one time A MONTH. i don't know where i'll be in a month, i really don't know. I don't know what kind of person i'll be which scares me the most. i like not knowing but i find it terrifying at the same time. i'm a virgo, i worry like nobody's business. i expect to start losing my mind 'round my fifties...hopefully i'll make an impact on something in the world by then. ten minutes it's been. plus one.

last updated June 13, 2008 7:40 AM PDT