Alexis (BlackestStars21)
F / 24 yrs old.
member since: apr. 26, 2008
last online: jan. 3, 2009 @ 2:49 PM PST
posted
August 25, 2008 2:35 PM PDT
Part of a new story
As I drive my car down the freeway, certain thoughts enter my mind. I want to pull the steering wheel hard to the left, at 85 miles per hour, and hit the center divider. I don’t want to kill myself; I simply want to be hurt. I want to end up in the hospital with many people worry about me, helping me, touching me, giving me attention. I want to see the love in everyone’s eyes as they cry and care for me. I need to feel that love. Of course this is an act I would never go through with. I know I would receive the love and attention I crave, but I would not be able to handle the pain. It’s the pain that stops me from doing anything to actually hurt myself.
The ride home went by like a blur. I must have started day dreaming or something, because before I knew it was turning down the street to my apartment. As I slowly approach I notice a red dodge parked in the driveway. This is an unfamiliar car to me. It must belong to someone who is visiting the people who live in the front apartment. Good thing there is a parking right out front. The moment I take the key out of the ignition I get a text message. It’s from my boyfriend. Hey baby. When are you gunna be home? I didn’t bother to answer him since I was sitting out front anyway. A quick smile came to my face. I grabbed the bag I had picked up earlier and made my way to my apartment. I unlock and open the front door and see my boyfriend sitting on the couch. There is something wrong with his eyes. Is it shock? Fear? I laughed to myself.
“Is everything okay?”
“Uh... yeah... of course it is. I just didn’t expect you home so soon. I thought you were going to your mothers for a while.” There was something wrong with his voice. Some kind of tone I didn’t recognize. It must be my over paranoid imagination picking it up. I walked away from him and into the kitchen. I rummaged through the refrigerator for a snack, but settled with a bottle of water. As I entered the living room again I noticed him standing in front of the door. He smiled. “I’m just going out for a cigarette.” I shook my head and went to the bedroom to change. I looked out the window just in time to notice the red dodge pulling out of the driveway in a big hurry. Weird.
I changed into a comfy pair of shorts and a tank top before heading back out to the living room. My boyfriend was still standing outside on the porch having his smoke. After flipping through the TV channels for a few minutes I realized there was nothing to watch, so I went to the bedroom to entertain myself on the internet for a while. I checked my email, responded to a friend who was on a long vacation in
XxTrueLovexX: Hello.
Michelle2000: Hi. Do I know you?
XxTrueLovexX: Yes. Actually you do.
Michelle2000: Okay then. Who are you? I don’t recognize the screen name.
XxTrueLovexX: I can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. So far, you are nothing more than an enemy to me. Are you afraid?
Michelle2000: LOL why would I be afraid of some screen name attempting to make threats at me through the internet?
XxTrueLovexX: Ask your boyfriend what he did today. Ask him what he was doing before you got home today.
Michelle2000: And I take it you know the answer he is going to give me?
XxTrueLovexX: Of course I do. I was there to witness the things he did. As a matter of fact, he did those things TO me.
Michelle2000: Sure he did. Thanks for the chat.
-You have logged off-
“Hey baby whatcha doin?” I jumped at the sound of his voice.
“God! You scared the shit out of me Richard.” He laughs. His smile always made me feel better. He stood over me as I looked up at him, and he came down and pressed his lips against mine. He gave the best kisses. “Come watch this movie I rented with me. It’s supposed to be really funny.”
“Okay. Sounds good.” After the movie was over I headed to the bedroom. I had to be up early tomorrow for work, so I needed all the rest I could get. Richard followed. I knew what that meant.
I had one of the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while that night. It may not have been the amount of hours I wanted, but it was worth giving that time up. Richard always made me feel so good, no matter what was happening in my life, in my head. My alarm went off at . I sat up in bed and looked over at Richard. Lucky bastard had the day off today. I leaned over and kissed his ear before creeping out of bed and into the shower.
You see, Richard and I have an over all good relationship. We’ve been together for 5 and a half years now. Sure things like marriage and kids have come up, but neither of us feels like we are financially ready for such things. Plus, I kind of want to be in a house before we start having kids. We both have our hang ups I suppose. I’m overly sensitive sometimes. I over think things, and if something bothers me I tend to dwell on it for days at a time. Sometimes It gets so bad all I want to do is sit and read, or preoccupy myself with the computer so I do something more than think all the time. Yes, I am the jealous type. I hate most women that Richard has in his life, one in particular.
In all the time that Richard and I have been together, I’ve only met one of his female friends. She is an ex of his, but they’ve been through a lot and have been very good friends since the break up. Things in our relationship started off rocky. Richard had just broken up with Sara when he and I met. I was told about the situation, but chose to stick with it to see how things would turn out. I have to admit, I was very attracted to Richard when I first met him, and he says the feeling was the same for him. From the moment we met each other not a day passed where we didn’t either talk, or see one another. Looking back at it now I would have to say it felt like love at first sight.
Anyway, things didn’t stay all sunshine and rainbows for long. About 2 months into our relationship Richard received a phone call from Sara. She wanted to come over and talk. I opened my mouth to answer him, but as soon as the first word left my lips he covered the received and flashed me an angry look. “Look Sara I’m kind of- Oh. Who? Yes, Yes Sara, Carla is here. We’re just hanging out. Hey- I’ll call you back okay? Please? Thanks.” I just stood there staring at Richard. I picked up my bag and headed for the door. He jumped up after me. “I’m sorry baby. She’s just upset and wants to talk. It had nothing to do with you I swear.” I gave him a weak smile. “Hey, she really needs a friend. It sounded like something was really bothering her. Look, if she doesn’t stay over too late I’ll call you later and we can finish hanging out. Okay?” He smiled. That was it. We kissed, and I turned and left.
Of course that night Richard didn’t call. I honestly didn’t expect him to either. I got up the next day and went on with my day as usual. I went to work and sat down behind my desk and started checking my e-mails, nothing important. My day at work was nothing exciting either. It wasn’t until that night things began to get interesting.
“Hey.” It was Richard. He sounded out of it.
“Hey. So how did things go last night?” The tone of my voice sounded uninterested, I hoped he wouldn’t notice.
“Sara told me she had been pregnant.” His voice cracked.
“What do you mean ‘had been’?”
“She lost it. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She was on the pill. Isn’t that supposed to stop this shit from happening?” He was angry. Was he angry that she got pregnant, or angry that she had lost the baby? I couldn’t tell, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.
“How is she doing?” I tried to sound more concerned when I asked this question.
“She’s doing okay. She said it happened about a week ago. Sorry I didn’t call last night. She ended up falling asleep on the couch here and I didn’t want to wake her.” I immediately pushed out the thoughts that were trying to come into my head. ‘I just wanted to call and check in with you and see how you were doing.” The conversation went on normally after that.
It has been almost a year since the incident of that night. Richard and I are still together, and we’re celebrating our anniversary. He and I, and a few of our friends went out to a nice dinner to celebrate. Things could not have been more perfect. I started spending more and more nights at Richards’s apartment. It was as if we’d turned into the cutest little married couple already. He didn’t spend too much time at my place since I still lived with my parents at the time. But he was always there for the BBQ’s and family events. Then one day I received the strangest email. It was titled, “Happy Late Anniversary” It was from an email address I did not recognize. I opened the email to see only a few lines. You think you’re happy? You have no idea the things he does when you’re not around. Stupid bitch. You’ll get yours. I stared at the computer screen for a few minutes shocked at what I was reading. Who was this person? I picked up the phone and called Richard.
“Hey guess what I got in my email today?”
“What happen?” He sounded concerned.
I responded with a laugh in my voice, “I got some email saying I have no idea the things you do when I’m not around.” I had a slight smile on my face now. It quickly faded when I heard a girl’s voice in the background calling out to Richard. “Who’s that?”
“Oh it’s uh- Its Sara. She wanted to hang out today so I figured why not. I’m not doing anything wrong.” He got defensive.
“I didn’t say you were. Hey how about the three of us hang out tonight. You know, get some drinks or something? I’ve never even met this girl yet she’s supposed to be a good friend of yours.” I tried hard to sound as calm as I could. I kept having flash backs of my ex. Walking in on him and his best friend was one of the worst moments of my life. I’ve gone through so much learning how to trust again. Now I’ve got flags going off left and right in my head and I can’t shut them off. “Come on Richard what do you say?”
“She’s about to take off right now. I’ll ask her and see if she wants to drop by again tonight. Okay sweetie?”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you later.” It was hard to concentrate on work now. I kept going back to that email, opening it up, rereading it, closing it, until I finally deleted it and emptied the computers trash.
That night I headed to Richards apartment. I asked about Sara coming over and he said she had made other plans. I was a bit disappointed. I mean, I’ve seen pictures of the girl, but I’ve never met her. And from what friends have said, Richard made a step up when he started dating me. The night started off like any other night. It was my weekend to cook something for dinner, so I made baked chicken with rice and veggies. After dinner we headed to his bedroom to lay back and relax while our food was digesting. He asked me about work amongst other things, but most of the time we just laid together quietly. Eventually, we both fell asleep.
When I finally woke up I looked at the clock and realized it was late. I turned to Richard and gave him a long, firm kiss on the lips. He smiled and opened his eyes. “I gotta go.” I whispered. This was the night when I found something odd. As I was searching for my shoe under his bed I found a grey spaghetti strap shirt. I held it to my nose and didn’t recognize the perfume that came off of it. I held up the shirt. “Who does this belong to?”
“What? Oh, that’s been there forever. Sara must have left it one time when she was here changing or something.” His voice stayed calm.
“What do you mean? Why would she be changing here in the first place? You know what? Forget it. I’m just gunna go.” I had to get out of there. I could feel my eyes burning from the coming tears. I grabbed my shoes and my bag and headed for the front door. I don’t know when he got up to come after me, but by the time I saw him I was already in my car. He came out and stood in the middle of the street. He didn’t walk toward me, and I was glad about that. I started my car, made and U turn, and drove off. I was at the gas station only a few miles away when I got his first text message.
I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be mad at me. There is nothing going on. I swear! I didn’t answer his message. A few minutes later I received another one. Please talk to me baby. Messages kept coming in for most of the night. When I woke up the next morning I read through everything. Finally, I decided to text him back. We need to talk.
last updated August 25, 2008 2:37 PM PDT